Hey parents,
Relevance is a gateway to the larger things we can offer our kids. It’s a way to build trust and establishes us as credible guides. Our responses to their trickiest questions determine most of that relevance.
Let’s explore.
Unexpected Conversations
I’ve had some non-hip reactions to my kid’s unexpected comments and conversations in 13 years of being a parent. Many of their awkward questions have been asked in an uncomfortable setting or when I was least prepared for it, and were followed by me staring at them in total shock and “ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?!”, which never went very well as a comeback.
So I practiced being more prepared and having a definitive strategy.
Now when my kids approach me with a difficult topic or request, my go-to response is:
A) a breath + non-shocked face…
B) “thank you for talking about this with me… can we revisit it in 2 days when I’ve had a chance to think about it?”
Haha, cue the scrambling for educated answers.
Two days later, I check back in. They’ve usually changed their mind, formed a new view or might not care anymore. Regardless, I’ve raised the bar on my relevance – trustworthiness – when I circle back around to it and they see my genuine interest.
All the preparation in the world won’t make me ready for every question or conversation. If they’re asking about something that I don’t feel prepared to discuss, I’ll also turn the questions back to them. “What’s making you feel this way? Can you tell me a little bit about why you think this?”
I would gather more understanding before answering my friends when they address something important, and that standard works equally well with my kids.
As their answers come, so does my clarity on how to respond. My goal is to live in that moment with them, present and engaged, and I can go seek out the answers I need for the next round afterward.
These strategies function for all topics, including the big stuff.
Hey Mom…
- I don’t know if I believe in God.
- If there’s a Creator, why would they need to be a gender?
- Can I start my own Youtube channel?
- I overheard that convo you were having about dildos and self-pleasure. Why does it matter?
- What’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual?
- I love the white contacts that Billie Eilish wears, can I get some for my Zoom classes?
- What does f*ck mean?
Uh-huh, light chatting.
Ironically, like most stuff with parenting, I learn more about my own capacity to expand through this process. Some of the best moments are the shared Google search with my kids. 😂 Being curious together is a fantastic way to bond.
Alternative outcomes
Regardless of what they come to you with, there’s no need to freak out if you’re going to use this opportunity to build trust. If you dismiss or disregard them, however, be totally freaking out.
One cornerstone of *traditionalistic parenting – which has strong fear elements – is the narrative that kids shouldn’t question or doubt anything they are taught. There are few ways parents lose relevance faster than when they’re approached with a perceived “rule-breaking” request of their kid, and they smash it down. The kid immediately files the parent response under “I can’t trust you to work through the hard stuff with me” and they won’t come back.
I’m not suggesting we give in to our kids on every request or even most requests. Our responsibility isn’t to best-friend them.
We are their advocate, which can be regarded as a more expansive task than signing up as their guardian. It’s not ownership, nor is it moral policing. It’s guiding and trust-enabling, and requires us to be mindful: a practice of engaged listening, followed by gratitude that they decided to bring the discussion to us. It’s a shared team experience!
{*Side note – if you were raised in a family system that taught you to never question authority and beliefs, you’re doing some brave work. By giving your kid a safe space to explore, you are also breaking a trauma cycle. This is significant work that will outlive you. As difficult as it is to accept that pain can get passed down through a family system, the beautiful equivalent is that so can healing.}
The mini-tests
Every difficult conversation is a crucial developmental stepping stone. Kids need a community in which to feel safe, accepted, and free to explore. One of the ways they determine where that safety exists is through mini-conversation tests. When they step close to what they determine to be your boundary line, they are watching carefully to see how you react. It might be what therapists call a veiled request because it’s really about something else – throwing an unexpected thing your way to see how weird you get or how cool you stay.
Kids are incredibly intuitive and don’t tolerate BS like adults do. If we fail the test, we may not get the opportunity a second time.
So. When your kid approaches a tough topic with you, look them in the eye, listen with your heart, and be incredibly grateful that they chose you to be their adventure bud for the moment. And if you’re lucky, a trusted friend for life.
