The elephant in the (too small) room
My partner and I are working through some relational hurdles and COVID is not good timing for us. Hey Corona! We had other plans.
But here we are, fully engaged in this new challenge.
We have the kid crafting lists, educational websites bookmarked, our friend’s binge-able Hulu recommendations, and new content plans for our individual projects.
There’s just one conspicuously unplanned-for detail, AKA the elephant…
The 24/7 togetherness part.
Like you, we are equipped for being apart. We design our long-distance lives, navigating + strategizing for the uniqueness of our together-but-separate love.
When the touring partner is home, it’s often easier to look at the iCal after a disagreement and internally calculate how many days until goodbye again. Shoving it aside to keep the short term calm is more efficient. (NOT REALLY but that’s how we manage at times, amiright?!)
On top of COVID, are you asking yourself WHAT WEIRD SH*T is this time together going to bring up for us?
Um, I’m a little nervous guys, but we are all in this collectively. Here together, working it out day by day!
Acknowledging the new frontier
This is an unprecedented season, with no definite ending as of now.
You probably haven’t lived in this type of prolonged togetherness, and the majority of work you’ve put in has been prepping for touring + road life. Miles separating you is your known-capable space.
While you’ve become adept at life apart, more importantly, you’re adept at challenge. You have the qualities to guide this time into something meaningful.
Begin with being gentle with each other in the acknowledgment that this is a new frontier.
Humor as a diversion
Get ready to laugh at the ridiculous nature of this time. The kids are home so intimacy will be obstructed at the most bummer moments. Gah! The waves of highs and lows will roll through and each person will be on their own rollercoaster.
Be considerate, quick to hug, laugh and create humor from the awkward moments. If you have a middle-schooler as I do, you’ll probably get an immeasurable increase in eye rolls and sighs. (ME TOO BTW.)
Maybe now is the time to name your alter-ego (shadow) and address it when it emerges. I call mine Inez.
In practical terms, it’s the unconscious, acting-out child that responds from a place of fear and ego.
Ask yourself: am I bringing my best to this space, my home, and my partner? No, you won’t every day. There will be stumbles for sure, but when you can, notice the power in your choice.
Curiosity as a connector
Is it possible to keep curiosity alive when every day feels the same?! Try passing these questions to each other.
- what are you afraid of?
This question is magic but most people avoid it because it’s weighty.
You and your partner easily have similar fears but the NUANCES are different. That means you can help each other ameliorate those spaces, if you talk. Use this time to interact more openly. Jeff Brown in his book ‘Soul Shaping’ refers to removing the armor, and in all deep dive relationships that is the goal. We are simply stuck until the armor begins to fall away.
What do you do unconsciously when you are afraid?
What could you be doing instead?
– John Wineland
- if we could do anything together, what would we choose?
What are the interests or pursuits you’ve wanted to launch into together, but have never had time for? Maybe it’s a learning adventure like a new language, or challenging your approach to food with some healthier adaptations; exploring your community on foot and meeting more neighbors.
Or perhaps it’s communication patterns that need attention. I’m finding this spacious time is an opportunity to work on areas of speech that need refining. I’ve never had this much open time with my partner to pause in conversation – in person – and ask ‘what did you mean by that’ or ‘could you clarify that feeling’. Suddenly the important topics that have been shoved aside are getting their turn.
For most couples, therapy has been a need but time didn’t allow it until now. This is a fantastic time to dig into the online offerings of so many gifted therapists. (My pick! Esther Perel is fantastic and here’s one of her benchmark talks.)
Ask each other “if we chose to reinvent our relationship, what would that look like” and allow the unfolding to organically lead you. Crisis creates clarity around why you do what you do unlike anything else. You may realize you want to make some courageous life changes on the other side.
Reducing pressure
My partner and I are noticing how our needs feel all over the place. Yesterday’s needs are not the same today.
If you articulate what your wants are one day and the next you’re indifferent to your partner’s furnishing those wants, it can feel very deflating to them when they are intentionally working to provide what you asked for.
These incohesive moments are symbolic of the larger cognitive challenge of this outbreak.
We have no time reference and currently no concrete timeline for normalcy. That is a toll on all human interaction because our brains are all over the map trying to grasp on to anything we can to create consistency.
Be fair with the cycle of requests that you make of each other. Realistically, the monotony of days combined with the stress of lost gigs and external worries will dampen connection.
We all know the value of meditation. Now is when disciplined mental work will really serve us.
The functionality of compartmentalization is for real – the moment I start to feel the stress rise (WHAT ABOUT MONEY, WHAT ABOUT a FOOD SHORTAGE, WHAT ABOUT OUR KIDS’ EDUCATION) I practice a deliberate sorting in my head of those fears into their own folder and turn again to what’s in front of me.
There’s a lot we can’t solve right now, but there’s also a lot to embrace.
Is your creativity a stress or comfort?
What about all the creative tension artists are feeling?
You know, the internal voice reminding you of all this time to dig into those projects, so you better get to it!?
Pressuring yourself/each other during this time to be uber-productive could backfire into more stress, although for some people the pressure can help productivity. There is no right formula.
When was the last time you checked in with yourself to see if what you feel compelled to be doing is measured by your industry’s standard or your own?
We’ll all have to access a new path of normal through and after this odd time. Reducing external noise will help, and I love contemplative work for that reason. [This] is one of my go-to podcasts for that practice.
Taking space
Needing space from each other has zero to do with your level of love and everything to do with mental health. Don’t wait until you’re in a sh*tty mood to move. Kind of like pain management after surgery, if you wait too long you get behind the curve and may say or do things that require a broader intervention.
Assess your resentment and when you need to, make a change in your environment. Yes, outing options are limited in the midst of COVID, but you guys are creative.
A quick drive, (I blast the most non-kid friendly music during my solo drives – #momhack – and come home a new woman), hike or walk or even a quilt on the yard with a book outside. Find your space to release.
There are places in the heart that do not yet exist; suffering has to enter in for them to come to be.
-Leon Bloy
Struggle is illuminating, you know? Adapting to this season can give us the chance to learn about ourselves and each other, and come out on the other side with a deeper understanding.
Love you, brave people!
xo, S
