For anyone with a complicated parent relationship…
I have a unique space with my Dad: a former Navy fighter pilot, an activist before it was trending, an old-school traditional male… his resiliency combined with that born-in-1940 individualism make building connection tricky.
When I decided to approach difficulties with him as a conflict management experiment, it unfolded more as an immune-building exercise. In my early adult days, I would be emotionally activated and easily upset by him and his quick-criticism. After years of working on my internal issues, I could see those behaviors had nothing to do with me. The immunity was about no longer taking everything personally.
I began a practice: anticipating his conversations and preparing my responses based on what I predicted would come my way. I centered this practice on a spiritual discipline of consistent-compassionate responding. I learned to focus on what was always within my reach: my own response.
As I drove to Texas for spring break and to check on my family I hadn’t seen in a year {pandemic!}, I spent the miles imagining the possible things he would be bothered by after a year with no release valve. I had come to realize that my consistency in showing up for him meant he would stash annoyances away and save them for a conversation when I arrived. Part of being an HSP – highly sensitive person – with a parent who doesn’t sign up for therapy, includes the likelihood that you’ll unwittingly be turned into their therapist. Boundaries are k e y.
On night two it happened. For hours, with a ton of laborious topics, most of which we are vastly contrasting on, I let him talk and talk. At the end, which happened to be the pinnacle moment because he wanted to corner me on the 2020 election with every Fox News-produced polarizing phrase, I reminded him: “Dad, I’m here to spend time with you. It’s been a long year and I really miss you. Let’s go play cards, and tomorrow would you take me to the tennis court so I can work on my serve? It’s been 20 years since I played!”
And we did! He cheered me on despite my rusty non-skills, reminded me of the proper serving technique then patiently guided me while I tried to serve at least 50 times. I remembered that my persistence is a trait he passed along, ha! The rest of our visit was gentle and relaxed.
The morning I left, he asked for a final chat. It was an unexpected moment of him acknowledging past parenting moments that he regretted, taking ownership in ways I did not anticipate. I felt the tears welling up when I told him how much that conversation meant, “thank you, Dad.”
I saw a clear connection between my asking for his help and being teachable, and that action activated a similar response in him: he reached out for a vulnerable moment that created healing between us.
The win for me is that as I’ve chosen consistent respect, love, AND boundaries with him, we have a better relationship now because of it. Ironically, we have less in common than ever, but also the best shared time together more than ever. Admittedly, I have been practicing this idea for at least 10 years…. and I have definitively not nailed it each time. I’ve given myself patience alongside the presence and patience I’ve offered him.
Mindset (how can I diffuse conflict instead of contributing to it?)
+
not taking offense at every disagreement
+
being generous with assumptions
= connection that feels genuine, inside the parameters that honor the quirks of both people.
xoxo Sarah
*TW disclaimer + clarifier: IF your parent was also your abuser, then continuing effort to hold a place for a relationship is a slippery slope. Your bigger task is to advocate for the child version of you {a powerful corrective model referred to as a re-parenting process}, being careful to not abandon or betray your younger self by continuing to present your adult self to a parent who does not take ownership.